Forbidden
Every heartbeat and every thought shouts that I will regret this. That I will regret you.
Written last November 2022
A man of Christian values. An adventurous person. Someone preferably taller than me.
You shattered all my standards in the blink of an eye.
With the pink skies settling over as we walk to the car, we talk in laughter filling the dead air, and walk in silence, letting our laughter echo through the wind, in search of a shirt you’ve lost, an item you regretted letting go in the first place. And I walked silently beside you, almost limping. You ask if I can continue walking alongside you, and hiding the pain through my smile, I nod. And while the search ended in vain, with us, the pink skies aided and gave hope for the happiness ahead.
The thing is, and the thing that kept screwing me up, the issue that kept my feet tripping over each other just as I misstepped at the race course earlier, was I wanted you, badly. But you were everything my mind was begging to run away from. I saw every red flag, but my feet still walked towards you, a mind of its own despite everything in me screaming to run away. I knew how people would not approve of these desires, but for you, I would be stupidly willing to turn a blind eye. I was willing to hold your hand knowing you would drop me as I hung from the cliff. Because screw it, I don’t want us to be friends. I want more than the flirtatious touches, and the offer you my sweater kind of jokes. I want to call you mine. I want to touch your hand without just feeling as if you were cold. I want to hold your hand because I can, and you can call me yours.
Every fiber of my being is screaming that I will get hurt. My heart and my mind are agreeing for once in my life. Every heartbeat and every thought shouts that I will regret this. That I will regret you. But for once in my life, I’ve never wanted something, someone like this. I was willing to suffer, I was willing to regret my choices. I was willing to regret you. I was willing to push everything aside for you. But I guess, that was another red flag I willfully ignored.
But at the end of the day, we are different. I’m the Bible-believing girl, and you were the person who despised the church. You, braggingly, are good, great as you say so yourself, in bed. While I never even had the experience of a first kiss. We’re playing, but we know we’re two worlds apart, two worlds too different from each other. And the stupid thing is I know I’m thinking I can change you, and maybe you’re thinking you can change me. But for now, I want to be stupid. I want to taste that forbidden fruit. Maybe Eve had a reason why she said yes to the fruit, and even to the snake. You are everything I was supposed to run away from. But when we walked with the pink skies, and you were listening to my mindless theories, I realized, you are everything I wanted.
