In Love with Life (Again)
written last 2023
I realize I’m in the process of falling in love with life again. It took me almost a year to reach this stage. Yet amidst the twelve months, it also took a single morning.
Eating a cheeseburger with salt air filling its seasonings, with a swimsuit my mom gifted me because it doesn’t fit hers. With a raging hangover from last night’s three bottles of beer, I groan and put one hand on my forehead, trying to ease the pain away. “Lightweight!” my brother shouts. And though I wince from the screams, I smile and recoil in silent laughter. I scoff at myself, for once again underestimating my tolerance.
But it was during this moment, when I thought, life is good again. Life came to me again. After a year of what has seemed like suffering and walking in circles and unknowable paths, after muddling through countless days and even more lightless nights, after cursing life for her very existence and the way she has fooled me, she came once again. And I am reminded. Life is still beautiful.
The thought of, “Have I finally healed enough from the burnout to teach in a classroom again?” finally came, this time with an answer I was confident of answering. Don’t get me wrong, I love freelancing. I enjoy holding my own time, instantly saying yes to moments I knew I’d miss if I didn’t. I love the time it gave me to still earn a living, while chasing life in a race I cannot outpace.
But life. How beautiful it is. I have forgotten that although she stands in a fearful gaze, she is also revered for the exact same reasons. For her uncertainty, for her once-in-a-lifetime glimpses.
I wonder if I can somehow document some of these tiny and seemingly insignificant moments of me, simply existing. Simply grateful for the air in my lungs, and the blood in my veins. For being alive. For the roller coaster of emotions my mind tries to comprehend. Somehow, the hangover and the splitting headache welcome the thunderous claps of the waves with ease, embracing with open arms.
As I run through the sand, barefoot, I wonder how many moments we can truly say we are grateful to be alive. With the sand sinking my feet, and the waves splashing my ankles. Hanging close with my family in the waves, while putting my hands up to save the cheeseburger I held with me. We laugh, and we sigh in joyful contentment.
This life is beautiful. I thank God I get to cherish it.
With my tanned lines, and salt in my hair, and the claps of the waves roaring through my ears, and the breeze of the wind caressing my skin. What a time to truly be alive.
